These are the words that I’ve often heard uttered all throughout my life. First, it was leaving home and relocating alone to the big city of LA, then it became something friends and colleagues would say at work, and eventually with my overly demanding position even more so. Then it became something everyone would say as I navigated the space of pregnancy alone and then was immediately a single mom with no real help right away. Mind you, during 2020, the hardest year for many in my generation yet.
The first day I got home from the hospital after my son was born, I made sure my awesome Doula Melissa would meet me there. I was scared out of my mind! What was I to do, alone, with a newborn? I let fear be my guide. She helped me get my home set up efficiently with diaper stations, showed me how to wash bottles, helped me learn how to baby wear and all of that. Her help was remarkable, you should actually consult her.
The days and eventually weeks, and months that would follow I would hear this same thing. From married women with help, and friends, even my doctors happy to know I had not slipped into postpartum depression, a very real and common occurrence. Given my “situation”, overwhelm could easily be the default.
However, RESILIENCE!
Here I am pictured NYE after my exes mother and sister visited my son. That was difficult to hear them talk about their son and his childhood, making comparisons to my baby boy whom I loved immensely from the moment I knew I was pregnant, and requests for more personal things related to him, etc. They are lovely people, but none were there for, nor checked in on me during my pregnancy nor the days that followed. However, who I am, is forgiving and is kind. I don’t hold that against them, but it happened and it is was it is. That evening, I still got dressed, put on my sexiest dress, mom bod and all and decided I would leave all the hurts and negativity from that situation in 2020. Me caring enough to dress up with nowhere to go is a form of self care, self soothing and self love for me.
2020 had given me a confidence I didn’t know was possible and a son I fell in love with.
I mean, look at that handsome little face. Pure love.
I proved to myself that I can withstand the harshest of storms and come out on the other side. If you’re reading this, chances are you proved that to yourself too.
My heart was broken, I ended up pregnant, got an adorable puppy during that relationship that ended I had to rehome after being realistic about caring for a puppy and a newborn, sold my house, moved, had to kick my team at work into high gear for teleworking, deal with the most stressful fiscal year closeout at work, had a baby with no man by my side, care for my son with no help from my family, and I did it.
Matter of fact, we did it!
Philosophy, namely Stoicism is something I turned to often. I was reminded by Seneca that preparing for hardship before it came is the best preparation. That is the beautiful thing about the life journey. Every thing, person and all along the way contribute to your growth in some way. Wisdom is gained in hardship. We don’t learn anything from smooth sailing.
The years that preceded this one, were not always messy, but I always gained something along the way because inner reflection and self improvement is always my first go to when anything has gone wrong. A few years of Therapy and a close support network help too.
I burried my father in 2014, I had to chose the burial spot, the casket and all of that because my family knew I was strong enough to do so. Was I able to speak at his wake, absolutely not. I couldn’t formulate the words to finish the eulogy I’d written about him.
Thats the thing, I am strong, I know when I have to be, but what the world doesn’t see are those nights I’m on my knees praying to a higher power to give me strength, those tears I cry by myself and then eventually self-soothe with some music and a sleep with my subconscious and inner guide reminding me I have made it through worse.
Many of us are more resilient than we give credit for. Something happens and we say “that was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced”, those moments build your character which is always strengthening.
There can be no light without darkness, no darkness without light. So each and everyday you’re taking a breath, you are contributing to the whole ebb and flow of those building blocks which contribute to your overall character that will get you through the hard times.
What I am ultimately saying is, my strength didn’t come overnight. It came in bits and pieces over my entire life. This is what I would call mastery. With anything you want to get good at, you put in work. I’ve trained my brain to see the good in the bad, to make light out of dark, to find humor when I’d much rather cry, but I also found compassion with myself to feel what I’m feeling and move on.
To me, this is what emotions are for. To emote and go through that emotion not staying there long. Your life is in motion, so when you emote: portray emotion in a theatrical manner; keep it in motion. Let it move through and tomorrow, you will have just added more strength to your character and resilience to your life.
Signed,
Grown Woman