The cost was becoming too great to not have asked leading men in my life for help and finding virtual fatherly figures with sage wisdom to take notes from. Before I really understood the cost of not taking calculated action to resolve my father wound, I allowed any and all male treatment to exist in my realm and would justify that behavior out of pure ignorance and naivety.
I’m not alone in this. There are countless women (men too), who have unresolved father wounds for a multitude of reasons ranging from never having a father in the first place, him being absent or having more toxic situations that require much more than what I personally was confronted with in my journey. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 19.5 million children, more than 1 in 4, live without a father in the home. I was in that camp and when my father passed away of a heart attack after I’d finally made efforts to reconnect with him, I would be without my biological father, permanently. Some might argue that I was a blessed to have a father in the first place that I knew and who wanted an active role in my life. I would agree, but I also couldn’t ignore his absence from my most formative years and what that would mean in the long run.
Getting to see my father as an adult, he asked me this…”do you choose these types of men because I wasn’t in your life?”. Oof! 21 year old me couldn’t handle his question with honesty and vulnerability, but when I was about 29, therapy would answer that question with a resounding ,yes! I no longer blame my father and love him regardless because being a child of divorce will sometimes result in what my position was, sans father.
It wasn’t until I started to stand up to the unhealthy relationships I had with men and with myself that I would realize I am making some traction. I said no to absent men, manipulative men, cold men, unreliable men…I said no more to begging for the bare minimum of a mans presence to help me parent my child equally and love he and I with the same passion he had during the creation. I let a baby daddy be a baby daddy, making room for a husband. I began to pray hard, asking for God to send healthy men into my life to literally show me what that man looks like. God knows I wasn’t going to settle for anything that looked like that absenteeism again, but would position me with wisdom to learn from spiritual fathers before I moved forward with any man, again.
The gates opened and fatherly wisdom began showing up at my door. Few men like my grandfather and uncle would give it to me straight. Lessons of my worth began being imparted in me. I would be preached to with the scripture about the Virtuous Woman they knew me to be, I would learn from these fathers how they treated their wives. They’d help me understand how man should provide protection, provision and make you feel safe. They’d listen when I would ball my eyes out driving alone at 10PM for an hour after yet again giving my all to someone who gave me the minimum and couldn’t even join me out of selfishness and comfort. I’d gain confidence in setting up boundaries, saying no to subpar treatment and yes to men who would protect, provide and show up.
I came across virtual men like Dr. Myles Munroe, Pastor R.C. Blake’s JR and Kevin Samuels. 2 out of those 3 would be gospel while 1 would remind me that not all men have your best interest when they are giving all kinds of “wisdom” while demeaning women at the same time. I came to appreciate that a good and healthy man with your best interest wouldn’t have to tear you down in the process of lifting you up. Sadly we are in a time where content is being created to gain attention, keep people in miserable situations and literally “woman hate” for the sake of more content, more followers. They also know so many of us are desperate to know “The Game”. I would learn quickly how to identify a snake. These men would claim to be re-educating the modern woman, yet would dissect her to a level where she’d have her feet cut off right from under her, becoming stuck because his words are so eloquent and she has no other example.
I picked up the Bible and started following along to what those healthy spiritual fathers had to say when I’d watch their content and listen to their podcasts not just referencing the Bible, but drawing from personal experience and just overall respect for how I should be treated not just as a woman but a mother. This father wound became filled in such a way I was no longer doing things for man, but doing things for me. I got dressed up again because I could imagine my Heavenly Father and father in heaven saying “put your best foot forward beautiful girl”. I found the confidence that I didn’t need to lay down my body to be treated with respect. I found my voice to ask for exactly what I wanted and say no to nothing less. I stopped looking for men to fill me up because I found men who wanted nothing from me that could help me do the work.
What I am getting at is, we have to be so careful about who we allow to help heal that father wound. Not all fathers that are out there giving advice are healed themselves. I had to be conscious of who I allowed to penetrate my mental state because there was a time where words could be equivalent to a magical spell and I naively believed a man because he “looked” a certain way.
Us women need to wise up to this influence because we have become over-saturated with content that is keeping us bound to losers out of fear of being alone or another “statistic”. Healing my father wound by filtering the noise, studying the word of God on what a good man is and cutting out negative influences has put me on a path to which I am now grateful to see clearly, what I’ve never seen before.
If you haven’t already I’d recommend reading The Father Daughter Talk, and The Fatherless Daughter Project in addition to any other things you are doing to fill your father wound. If you have to be a scholar and prayer warrior to heal that wound, do it. It’s taken me atleast a decade to get where I am now, but awareness is key. I understand.