“See when you try to change others you give your power away. You will know you’re giving your power away because you will feel feelings of hopelessness, confusion, frustration, anger, negative stuff like that.” I came across this article while searching the web on relationships, changing people, so on so forth. This article argued that by changing yourself, you change your partner. When I came across the above excerpt from Bonnie Estes Article on The Marriage Place, it resonated and sounded identical to the inner strife I have been facing fearing the dissolution of my relationship. I tried her method of focusing on me. You only have so much energy, attention and room in a day and in your life, especially as an already mostly single mom. The voices of negativity and fear have been so loud in my life it has crippled my ability to move forward.
My sons father and I are in different places in our lives. I have accepted where having a child has led my life and what it means for how I used to live my life. Away from selfishness into selflessness. It is not in my power or even my business anymore to worry about how he chooses to live his life and I realize that now. I wanted so badly for him to change for me, for us. However, it is out of my control. People change when life circumstances force them to and when they are ready. You can be an inspiration, you can be a guide but ultimately they make the change. Having faith and trusting the process is something I’ve struggled with. It’s taking a lot for me to let go and give it to God, however, getting quiet allowed The Divine to step in so I can get out of the way and focus on what is in my control, me.
I have been knocked down and when I am down, I have turned back instead of moving forward.
It is terrifying to think, this could be it because I release all control on dictating how this situation will go. The above emotions are all negative and you can’t move forward when you are giving your power and resolve away. The amount of encouragement I give others, can find a better home in myself in my transition and transformation. Everyone is on their own journey and you will find you don’t have enough steam to sustain yours when you are constantly giving that away to others. I have spent a lot of time intellectualizing and studying myself and my behaviors, however, at a certain point action is needed. Empty promises from others and from yourself will get you nowhere and you will think you are making progress, but you’re not.
Through all of this, I have asked myself, is it better to find a therapist or a coach. I’ve been to therapy and appreciated where it’s brought me thus far. However, there’s a point beyond that when you’ve gone deep and uncovered and uprooted your crap. This is where I realize the major difference between a coach and a therapist. I like to think of a coach as a cheerleader, someone in your corner supporting you when you get knocked down, giving you feedback on your missteps and providing tools to maneuver better in the future. I realize that finding a life coach is the next step in my journey. I have talked about how the journey will provide you many people a long the way. The best way to stop giving power away, is to turn myself away from what has proven time and again to not work, and towards what will work.
The Divine is within us all. Forward movement requires us to not look back. Great men and women leverage their doubt and turn it into Power. They face whatever it is they have been running away from. It will be scary at first, but taking the time to acknowledge that fear and doubt and not letting it drive your life is the step to taking that power back. As compelled as I am to turn back, I am taking my power back and saying no to my fears and doubt and stepping fully into no longer trying to control how the relationship portion of my journey plays out.