Without going into the depths of my career which is very independent of my blog, I feel it’s important to share why someone might do this and why it’s okay. I am a high achiever and very ambitious. That will always have its place in my life, but there came a time when I had to redirect that energy while facing a fork in the road. Before I had gone on maternity leave, and even gotten pregnant; I had applied for, interviewed and been selected for a competitive promotion within my agency. Having worked there already for about 6 years, it felt like the next logical step and it was, until I realized the trail I was blazing would come with sacrifice. I began living that sacrifice the moment I started that position.
All leadership jobs are not created equal, and some will hold greater weight than others. My position was the latter. I was excited to have reached this peak as early as I did in my career, being a supervisor of a little under a dozen while having direct oversight of about double that. But a few things started to happen immediately that made me question whether or not I was ready for this and starting a family confirmed while I might have been ready, the circumstances were not right. I had been working on my Masters of Science in Leadership and was ready to implement those lessons into my everyday life. I would eventually find though, while it had its place in my new position, it would serve me better in more personal aspects of my life where I later decided to transfer that energy.
The main reasons I decided to take a risk to my resume and reputation in stepping down from my leadership position are outlined below.
1. I Lost My Why
There were barriers to me actually performing in the way I wanted to. Essentially, my strong will and drive would be overpowered by other forces I had no control over. If you can’t thrive you survive. My position felt just like that, survival.
2. I Lost Friendships
When they say it gets lonely at the top, they’re not lying. In some organizations you will look to your left and right and have trusted peers to relate to and commune with. In mine, I was alone. Friendships I made on the way up could no longer be maintained because I was so stressed and so busy I didn’t have the time. This was out of alignment with my values. It bled into my personal life where I was too stressed to callback, text back because the mental drain and exhaustion took over and I was mostly unhappy.
3. I Lost Work Life Balance
Some people don’t believe in work life balance, and to be honest, America is just now coming around to understanding the importance of this. It was not and is not my fate to experience Karoshi. Karoshi (過労死, Karōshi), which can be translated literally as “overwork death”, is a Japanese term relating to occupational sudden mortality. While I was in this position overtime wasn’t just the norm, it was expected. When I was up until 3am working while 7 months pregnant, I knew something had to change. I also hadn’t been able to take a vacation or participate in the typical office norms which might consist of grabbing a bite to eat with a coworker friend because, I didn’t have the time. I could hardly even IM someone back if they had a question or simply wanted to check in. That wasn‘t like me.
4. I Gained Perspective While on Maternity Leave
Having spent 3 months home with my newborn, alone, I realized that I didn’t want that to be my forever. I needed a predictable and consistent routine and schedule, especially being my sons only caregiver outside of daycare. You can work in a very rewarding position without losing all of the above. That ultimately comes down to work environment, leadership objectives and culture. With that said, when I went back to work I didn’t know if I would desire to make that change. I feared the loss of my reputation and potentially looking like a quitter. Then something happened.
I stoped caring about what others thought. I realized my happiness mattered more than the thoughts and opinions of others. Fortunately my agency was able to support my decision to take a lateral pay, downgrade in position to honor my request. I applied for what’s known as a voluntary transfer to a lower grade. It helped that my bosses and leadership team were all very supportive of my wishes. It was approved, and I would be moved to a challenging position that allowed me to still maintain my values. I realize my Why for leadership would be self-leadership, family leadership and community leadership. One day it might have its place in the office again, but for now I’m more than thrilled to put that energy back where its most appreciated while still being able to take care of myself and my family. Look, sometimes we need to make chess moves in life and that could look like moving back only to propel forward. Only you know what you’re willing to risk to get there. There was a light at the end of the tunnel and I’m grateful for making it there.
Say No To Karoshi!